Days like today I have to try and remind myself why I’m so lucky to be a parent. And honestly I’ve struggled to come up with anything positive. I know that sounds silly, but today has seriously been one of those days where you question why you ever decided to give up your social life, weekend benders, sunday lay ins, or let’s face it sleep in general. Along with your home – ornaments, a time where the cushions used to stay on the sofa. And the worst mess you’d have to clear up was your other half’s dirty boxers off the bedroom floor.
But oh how times have changed…. and tonight Matthew, I really would give anything to have my pre parenthood life back – just for a night.
**NOTE – I wrote this back in October, just in case you think I’m seriously deluded when I mention halloween!**
Today has been nothing other than a kick in the cunt that I really could have done without. It’s half term, traffic is a nightmare, kids are everywhere and to top it off I’m a pregnant hormonal mess that no one would want to mess with. That’s unless you’re a three year old who doesn’t give a fuck about anything other than where the iPad is & or getting every single crayon out at 7am.
Do you ever have days when you think “Fuck. I actually, cannot control my child. Like, I legit don’t know what to do right now.” ?
I don’t know if it’s because it’s half term, but Bobby – (age three), has been a total pain in my arse ALL week. It’s so frustrating – not just because he’s playing up, but because it’s just a real shame. When he behaves badly it negatively affects everything else. Jax – age one then suffers the brunt of it and I then don’t want to be going out and doing nice things with him when he is just constantly disobeying everything I’m saying. It’s a vicious circle; it’s half term and it’s halloween! There are so many things I’ve wanted to do with the boys this week but Bobby’s behaviour has seriously caused me to not want to do them. Because why should he be rewarded for his bad behaviour? But then why should Jax be punished for his big brother’s behaviour? Such a hard position to be in. Especially when I’m on my own.
He’s three, is he really being badly behaved? Or is he just being a three year old? The truth is… I don’t know. I’m still winging this thing called motherhood three and a half years later. Some days a simple instruction will be just that… a simple instruction, and will be executed without a word. But this week has been like dealing with the exorcist. I feel like everything I say has been falling onto deaf ears. And the thing that gets me the most is when you know they are deliberately doing the exact opposite to what you’ve just said. Wankers!
Toddlers really are like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you’re going to get. First thing this morning, Bobby asked if we could go to the park. I said we can go to the park if you are a good boy for mummy this morning and listen to me and do as you’re told. Well…. Today, Bobby woke up being that horrible coffee flavour chocolate. He spent the entire morning wired to ignore everything that was said to him. Throwing crayons on the floor, snapping them on purpose and refusing to pick them up. Being nasty to his brother, snatching toys, turning the light switches on and off repeatedly, pulling all the toys out of the playroom and then deliberately not playing with them. Pulling the cushions off the sofa, jumping all over said sofa after I’d asked him not to, taunting the dog, and generally just doing every single thing he could think of to try and get my attention whether it be good or bad. After being on the step and warned that we won’t go to the park more times than I can count, I put my foot down.
Right, that’s it we ARE NOT going to the park! I shouted.
Then I looked at Jax and thought to myself, how do I punish one child without the other? I’ve tried sending Bobby to his room, the ‘naughty’ step. Taking things away, but he really really does not care in the slightest. Five minutes later he’ll be back doing the exact same thing again and I’m tearing my hair out feeling like I’m fighting a losing battle.
I don’t know if it’s because Snod’s away, or just because it’s half term and he has far too much energy to burn. But it really is a horrible feeling when you feel like you can’t enjoy spending time with your child. Literally every minute today I’ve had to pipe up to remind Bobby to be a good boy. It’s absolutely draining mentally – & to make it worse I then feel awful because Jax is suffering because of no fault of his own.
I know I shouldn’t compare but as mums I don’t think we can help it. I look at other children Bobby’s age and they just seem so much better behaved. I know all kids have their moments but I genuinely feel like Bobby’s whole life is one big ‘moment‘ at the moment. (Wow that was a mouthful!) & I just want to bang my head against a wall every single day.
Why does he not listen to me? Half the time he knows better, he knows he’s doing wrong – I know he does. But he simply does not care. Example; today we popped to visit family and Bobby was running around being hyper with Jax and his younger cousin. His little cousin (18 months old) was standing on this little box, dancing. I could see that Bobby wanted to go and push this box. I felt anxious watching, as I just knew what he wanted to do. I could see it in him! So twice I warned him but he just looked at me and pushed it – with his cousin on top. He just couldn’t help himself!
I literally lost it inside. I cannot actually control my child – I thought. And I literally don’t even know how to deal with him right now – in someone else’s house. After already being on their naughty step twice.
I soon left and I cried all the way home. How the hell am I going to cope with three kids I thought to myself? Why is my child being such an arsehole? What am I doing SO wrong!?
And that was how I honestly felt that day back in October. I felt useless and like I was failing. However, after a while I realised I wasn’t failing, I am just still learning! Just as my children are still learning every day about the world and the challenges around them. Days have been better since then and I have managed to accept those emotions and use them to make me a stronger more resilient mother. I’m not saying we are over this stage but I’ve accepted that we do ALL have shitty days and sometimes shitty weeks! But it’s all completely normal and it’s okay not to be okay sometimes 🙂
Merry Christmas everyone,
Emma – The Onshore Mum x